If I lose myself
by spicyoranges
Summary: Upon returning from Neverland with their son Henry, Regina Mills and Emma Swan realize they're nothing short of crazy about each other. The 3 year married couple suddenly comes to a heartbreaking halt after Emma makes a terrible mistake that could cost her it all.
1. The fight

Emma and Regina stood face-to-face on two sides of the kitchen table. Staring deep into each others sad eyes, Emma took charge. Or thought she did.

"So, that's what you want then? That's it?" Emma's voice was cracking, hands on her hips. She had to put on her protective armor, but anyone could see she was being torn down.

"What other choices are there? Because right now I am _through_ with putting up with these ridiculous games." Regina's voice soft, but firm. Emma couldn't tell if her wife was hurt by all this or not, so she felt the need to give off a strong reading as well.

"You could talk to me about this, 'Gina."

"We've talked before, and look where it's gotten us."

"It's not my fault," Emma whispered fighting back an insane amount of tears, her feet fiddling to distract her from what she was feeling.

"_This is entirely your fault! None of this would've happened if it weren't for your stupid fucking choices!"_ Regina slammed her hand on the table in front of her, her voice nothing short of a scream. The blonde stood there with her eyes wide, in complete shock. That was the first time her wife had yelled at her like that since Henry ended up in the hospital, let alone swear at her. Regina cracked, placing both hands on her teary face whilst the woman across from her stood still, continuing to fiddle with her feet. She finally pulled herself together enough with a quick inhaled sigh, and wiped her face.

"I'm done. Henry doesn't deserve this an neither do we. We've endured this far too long, it's not fair." Regina turned hastily toward the front of her white mansion and held open the door. The blonde's mouth opened slightly, and was too much in the state of disbelief to talk. She stuttered while the brunette gave her a piercing look. Emma hated that look, that was the look she gave her before they got together. The look of despise.

"Goodbye, Ms. Swan." Regina's lips were pursed and Emma treaded her way over to the opened door. She stopped to look into her wife's chocolate brown eyes and shook her head. _Ms. Swan._ Yet another thing Regina said that she hadn't heard in years. The blonde shook her head and put her right hand on her wife's cheek, a tear rolling down her own.

"You aren't really doing this, are you?" Regina's head flinched to the side, directing Emma's hand away.

"Go."

"What about Henry? You know, _our_ kid? Together or not he's both our sons, Regina. Wether you want to hear it or not, we're his parents."

"I'm well aware, Ms. Swan. He and I will have a conversation in the morning after he wakes up. He'll be staying with me as he did before."

"You can't just say he's going to be in your house, it'll just bring back fights like we had...before."

"So be it." Regina's eyes were even more glassy than before, Emma refused to accept Regina wanted her to leave. Knowing her wife, put both hands in her pockets and nodded slowly. And with that, Emma walked down the steps of the mansion. Tears racing down her face, she forced herself to wipe them off as she got in her yellow bug and drove away.

Emma couldn't see much due to her watery eyesight, but she kept pep talking herself saying things like, "_she's just mad," _and "_you're worried for nothing."_ She looked out of her rearview mirror hoping Regina was watching her drive off, only to be let down. Looking straight forward trying in the direction of her parents' house, she was determined to sleep this off and wake up to her wife's beautiful pearl smile and sparkling coffee colored eyes.

The only question at this point is wether things would end up like they should.

The way her happy ending was supposed to be.


	2. The lunchbox

6 o'clock in the morning and Regina had just gotten out of the shower. Her hair wet, towel hugging her moist skin. She ringed her hair out over the sink and heard Henry's alarm go off from his room. She wished he would turn down the volume on the noisy contraption, but if it got him up and awake she taught herself to put up with it. She wanted to hustle to Henry's room and hug him, but the white fleece towel disagreed. Regina called from her bathroom to her son that breakfast will be ready soon, and he replied with a tiresome groan.

"Emma, can you," She began as Regina spun around with her hair starting to drip, prepared to ask Emma to beat Henry downstairs. They had a routine, the blonde woke up first and showered, woke up her wife, and scurried downstairs to make everyone's breakfast. This was the first time in a long time Regina was alone, and she didn't like it. Her mouth gradually came to a frown, and looked around the bathroom as if she imagined hard enough, Emma would return.

"Mom, can I have eggs today instead of an apple? I got a big endurance thingamabob in gym today and I need all the energy I can get- WOAH." Henry's voice much deeper and exhausted, was stopped by the sight of his mom in a towel, quickly covering his eyes and backing away slowly; as if he'd seen a ghost. Regina remained leaning toward her reflection in bathroom mirror, doing her mascara.

"Oh my goodness Henry, you act like it's a crime to see me in a towel. May I remind you, I'm fully covered, and all you're wearing at the moment is a pair of boxers. Plus I changed your diapers, so hush." Regina fought very hard not to let out a snicker, so she bit her bottom lip as she stood straight going through her makeup.

"Yeah but, you're my _mom. _This is just...new to me." Henry's hand slowly came off his face as he inched toward his mother. "Where's mom? You know the other one." Henry laughed at the joke, Regina unamused as hearing it thousands of times and memories from the previous night, stopped in her tracks.

"Work."

"Already? She promised to wash my socks. Did she tell you anything?" Regina looking dead forward at her reflection, she could feel her chest tensing up.

"No."

"Oh. Alright, I'm gonna go get dressed," Henry jogged out of the room and shouted, "Remember, eggs!" Regina shot a grin even though her son had already shut his room door changing his clothes. She walked out of the bathroom and slowly removed her towel, standing naked in front of her dresser. Opening the top drawer, she picked up one of Emma's shirts. She held it to her chest and nodded her head. She quickly threw the shirt back in the drawer and slammed it shut. She then hastily walked to her closet and snatched up a black cardigan, white camisole, and black pants. Regina walked back into her restroom and grabbed a brush, brushing her hair on the way downstairs to the kitchen.

"Henry," Regina yelled to her son, "do you want scrambled eggs or not? I know your mother prefers scrambled, but I can't remember if you like them over easy or not?"

"Scrambled! You're the one who likes over easy." Henry responded, making his way down the staircase. Regina could hear him rubbing his hands together like a person does in a restaurant while their food is placed before them.

"I'm gonna visit mom at work today. You know the other-"

"Henry, please." Regina cut him off.

"Oh, sorry. Alright. I'll go get my backpack." Henry gave his mother a suspicious look and walked to the front door where his backpack and Regina's shoes were. Emma's lunchbox that Regina made for Emma's birthday was there, too.

"Uh, mom?"

"Yes, Henry?"

"Why is Emma's lunchbox here if she's at work? She never forgets that thing even if she orders takeout."

"She orders takeout?"

"Huh?" Henry panicked, that was he and Emma's little secret. Knowing time was running out, Regina waved her hand and eggs appeared on the plate beside her. She quickly walked over to her son and handed him the eggs.

"I don't know, maybe she forgot." Regina had a nervous tone in her voice, not wanting Henry to find out just yet about the horrible night. More importantly, not ready to talk about it.

"Yeah, right. I don't know, I'll bring it to her at work today."

"Henry I really don't think that's the best idea," this time, Henry cut her off sounding eager to leave.

"Yeah, yeah, okay mom. I'm gonna miss the bus. Bye, love you." He placed a kiss on his mothers cheek and sprinted out the door to the nearby bus stop. Regina watched him run, and as he reached halfway down the street, she thought to herself, _Bye, Henry. I love you, too. _Leaning down and grabbing her high heels, Regina held them by the ankle and walked to her car, terrified of the day.

"Yo, mom!" Henry said doing his best to impress his mom, walking into the sheriff's department. Emma looked over to her son laughing, curls hanging at her shoulder and she raised her arm.

"Hey Henry," she gave him a hug. "How'd you sleep?"

"Pretty good for the most part, but you know. It was a school night so I can't technically have 'slept well'." Henry moved his fingers up in down quoting his words, and Emma nodded.

"I'm with ya on that one, kid."

"Oh, I saw this by the door and apparently you left it. Can't imagine why, though." Henry placed the lunchbox on his backside, so the photo of he, Emma, and Regina faced the two. Emma crossed her arms, confused.

"You mean you don't know?"

"Huh?" Henry turned around to the sound of Regina.

"Henry! I thought I sent you to school, not jail." Regina said laughing, her smile singing her own praises. Emma quickly took the lunchbox and shoved it into a slot of her desk.

"No, I told you I was going to visit Emma before I went to school. I have 30 minutes to kill so I figured I'd visit her since I couldn't at home." Henry argued.

"Actually kid, I'd love for you to stay but Belle asked me to help around the library. I'll give you 20 bucks if you go instead." Emma said holding out her hand, leaving the deal in the air.

"Do I get to tell her I'm getting 20 bucks out of it?"

"Absolutely not!"

"I'm still down for it." Henry took his mothers hand and shook it firmly, shooting a bright white smile at the two women, grabbed his backpack, and left letting the door slam behind him. Regina faced the floor and Emma put her hands in her jean pockets. There was a dead silence for only 4 or 5 seconds, but it seemed like 4 or 5 years. Regina knew she couldn't look vulnerable, she had to look completely immune to what was happening. Therefore, she spoke the first words, being the stronger woman.

"Where did you go?"

"What?"

"Last night, where did you go? To sleep."

"Mom's place." The blonde wiggled her elbows like a bird, squawking and began to bob her head back and forth as an attempt to make Regina smile.

"Ms. Swan, now is not the time." Regina stood her ground, but was blushing like a tomato at the sight of the dorky woman in front of her.

"Okay, Regina. Since when do you call me 'Ms. Swan'? Is this some kind of message that you want to stop seeing each other or are you just being Regina?" Emma could see the game Regina was playing, so she played along.

"Excuse me, what does 'being Regina' mean?" Regina raised her hand and shut her eyes, shaking her head as a hint to forget the question. "Nevermind." she finished.

"Can I come home tonight?" Emma blurted out, her face scrunched as she asked the question. Regina's eyebrows rose and she crossed her arms.

"Tell me why you did it."

"You know why I did it, 'Gina."

"_Stop _calling me 'Gina. That isn't my name and ever since we started dating you knew I hated it." Knowing this was true, Emma raised her arms in surrender.

"I gotta say, you're kinda blowing this out of proportion."

"Excuse me?"

"You're calling me Ms. Swan, you won't let me come home, you kicked me out in the rain to go to my mom's place, all because of one mistake."

"That mistake could've cost us everything."

"But it didn't."

"That aside, you still took the risk without even consulting me. You know how dangerous and sneaky he is and yet you still made this stupid deal behind my back, putting in danger not only your life but everyone else in Storybrooke's, too!" Regina's voice wasn't completely raised, but raised enough for the point to slap Emma in the face. She was tired from her mother and father watching loud TV the previous night resulting in no sleep, and she missed her son. Her wife. Her home.

"I love you, Regina. You know I do. I did it for you, you have to understand that. I'm pretty sure I could handle Rumplestiltskin, and you know how much he's changed since he and Belle reunited from Neverland."

"He's still a snake. An imp. An imp that can outsmart any of us, and don't act like you don't know damn well of that. Belle or not he's always been the slithering coward he is now."

"But we're fine, Regina! We're okay. Why can't you just accept that? It's not like I've gone back." Emma was taking deep breaths, her words were pushing Regina's buttons. The I-know-I'm-losing-this-argument buttons.

"I loved you, too. But it's come to my attention that maybe I gave a little too much. Because if you knew it truly then you wouldn't risk it all because someone asked you to." Regina hustled out to the door battling back tears, she hated fighting with Emma. Despite her tough exterior, she loved Emma with everything she had. And she loved her for a while. Emma stood there, hands still in her pockets and she remained that way minutes after Regina left the department.

She slumped down in her chair, leaning back in it letting out a sigh. She looked to the slot she left the lunchbox in, and opened it with care. Lifting the lunchbox onto her desk, she stared at the picture. She remembered the day they took that picture. It was Emma's birthday from a year earlier. Regina had planned a surprise party for her wife, everyone in Storybrooke showed up. Emma loved that day. The photo had Emma on the left, Henry center, and Regina right. Emma's arm around the brunette with a sparkling smile, Regina's lips placed against Emma's with a goofy look on her face, and Henry with a smile on his face. But not a normal smile. It was beaming. He was happy. They were happy.

Emma sat there as two tears rand down her cheek and onto the lunchbox. _Damn. What happened? _Emma thought to herself. She opened the lunchbox knowing there was nothing in it, but she liked the metal rubbing sound it made. Emma picked up the lunchbox and placed it back in the slot, making sure it was safe. She then locked it up, and walked out of the department to Granny's, hoping for answers.


	3. The crash

The sound of a creaking bed got increasingly louder as Mary Margaret walked closer to Emma, sulking on her bed.

"I'm so sorry, Em." Mary Margaret's hand found itself on her daughters shoulder, as Emma sat on the edge of the bed with a hunched back. She flung herself back and laid flat with her hands on her face.

"I don't know mom, maybe it's a sign that what I did was right and she's just overreacting." Mary Margaret stood up and grabbed the blanket hanging off the rim of the bed and folded it over.

"Now, Emma, you know that's not true. It's been three years and I think this is just a normal fight you two are going through." Her voice getting higher as she spoke, something Emma took as a sign of seriousness.

"You really think so?" Emma sat up and put her hands under her chin and let out a "pbht" sound from her tongue like a child.

"I really do," she sat back down and hugged her daughter. "Go talk to her, please?" Mary Margaret's voice getting more sincere with every word.

"Nah. You know Regina, she needs her space," Emma sighed. "for up to 28 years at a time." Mary Margaret scoffed at her daughter.

"I bet you're glad I caught you at Granny's, huh?" Mary Margaret said giggling.

"Yeah mom," Emma whispered sarcastically as she stood. "ecstatic." She then grabbed her jacket from the stand and threw it over her shoulder. Mary Margaret winked at her daughter and she replied with a head bob.

"Oh, and Emma?"

"Yep?"

"Can you pick up something for your father? He's out in the mines tonight with Leroy and the others and I don't have time to cook anything."

"Sure thing mom," Emma stretched out her words groaning in disappoint, leaning her head back as she lumped out her mother's front door back to the Sheriff's department.

* * *

Driving was a pain at 2:30, everyone was either going home or going to Granny's for lunch; especially the ones who worked in the mines. Thankfully this was Storybrooke, so it's not like traffic could ever truly be backed up. Emma driving towards the town line, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath in. She ringed her fingers around the wheel repeatedly, trying to get her thoughts together. The road ahead was perfectly straight, so she closed her eyes and kept taking deep breaths. The car came to immediate halt which made Emma's eyes pop open.

Rumplestiltskin had rearranged the town line, so that when someone gets to it no harm comes to the person, but they come to a very extreme stop and can't move in any way past whatsoever. However for the outside world, the person would just keep walking and/or driving until they came to a dead end. No image or evidence of Storybrooke.

_Alright Emma, _she thought. _Just think, it's all okay. _She opened the door of her yellow bug and lifted up the compartment for her iPod and headphones. She put in the earbuds and lied down next to the town line, eyes closed listening to her songs. She would tap the ground in alignment with the beat of the music, though never much of a music person, she liked being alone to think. She would often open her eyes just to look at the clouds, or that's what she told herself; it was to look at the clock to see when it was time to go. Henry was taking the bus today, so she had an extra 20 minutes or so to herself.

An hour and a half gone by, Emma's playlist louder with each song, she decided it was time to go. She sat up and wrapped her arms around her knees, and took one last look at her surroundings. She stood up putting her hand on her thigh, and swinging the keys on her finger to the car. Opening the door, she swung herself in and hit her head on the top of the door.

_Shit_. She thought as she rubbed her head. She scrunched her eyebrows as she made her way in the opposite direction of the town line. Keeping her hand on her forehead, she played it safe and went a little bit slower to keep herself calm and not wreck. She tapped the steering wheel to keep herself occupied, when she got a text from her son.

**Mom! I'm home. Where are you? Other mom isn't home and I'm starving! Hurry, Henry is hungry as...heck. Love you. **

She loved those stupid alliteration texts from Henry. They were kind of a thing between the two of them. She reached down to pick up her phone smiling like the cheshire cat, forgetting all about what she was doing. Both hands on her phone, she was interrupted by a loud _Hey! _from Leroy. She threw her phone to the back of her car and grabbed the wheel. Having been in front Granny's diner where everyone in town is at this time of day, Emma went into panic mode.

She tried turning left, but only got closer to the diner. She tried making a sharp right, but only ended up bumping some tables and now halfway on the sidewalk. Her phone beeped again, but this time a ringtone. She barely noticed as her eyes were moving frantically around her the area, going at a faster rate than she ever has been and somehow convincing herself that was the smart thing to do.

"_Emma, what the hell are you doing!?" _She heard several voices calling for her to stop and calm down, or to ask what the hell she was doing. Her arms shaking and her head spinning, she heard her fathers voice from the crowd of screaming angry people. She couldn't make out what he said, but she knew it was him. She then had knocked over all the tables in the front, caused everyone into a panic, dented her bumper and shattered her window shield. She had started to cry, she could feel her head throbbing and the car just wouldn't stop moving.

And then it all stopped. Everything stopped. The car, people quieted down, and not a single voice was heard. Emma had a piece of glass in her forehead and her eye was bruised, but she looked up long enough to see what had caused the silence.

Regina.

Regina's arm raised, magic over her hand, waving it around putting everything back into place. Emma smiled just as big as she could without making anything hurt to bad, which to everyone else, was a simple grin. Regina didn't bother looking at her surroundings, she knew what she was doing. No. Her eyesight dead on Emma, the same dead and broken eyes she had the night they fought. Emma didn't care, she knew that if Regina saved her, she still loved her.

Once everything was rearranged, Mary Margaret and Henry were running downtown to the commotion.

"Is everyone okay?" David's voice was heard vaguely through the crowd. Everyone muffled a groan, which he presumed to take as a "Yes, but I'm pissed at Emma" groan. Emma was exhausted, and her laid her cheek down on the side of her steering wheel as her mother and son raced to her car.

"Oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my Lord! All you alright, Emma? Are you hurt?" Mary Margaret banging on Emma's bug window, she opened the door and stepped out to the townspeople. She raised her right hand and grinned again, gesturing to everyone that she was okay. There was an awkward silence for about two minutes, until - to no ones surprise - Leroy spoke out.

"So what in the blue hell was that?"

"I was only-"

"You were only recklessly driving, that's what you were doing." Another dwarf jumped in.

"Guys, I'm sorry. I was by the town line and I hit my head on my car or something and I got a text and..." Emma's voice trailing off from the glass in her forehead, she flailed her arm around looking as if she was drunk, which is what everyone implied.

"She's drunk!"

"Damn right, she is!" People from all around the block were yelling, Emma's knees going weak. Mary Margaret rolled her eyes and yelled shut up, which is precisely what everyone did having never heard that before from her.

"First off, my daughter is _not _drunk! Secondly, look around. It's all fixed. Emma will have an apology ready for you all and I can assure you this will not happen again. This has only happened once, Emma's just a little banged up. Yelling at her is wrong, and it won't solve anything. Just make everyone angrier. Now, I'm going to bring her home, and in the morning I promise everything will be taken care of." Mary Margaret wrapped her daughters arm around her shoulders, and Emma fought back and said very quietly, _Where's Regina? _Mary Margaret patted her daughters back and put her in the passengers seat of her yellow bug, Henry in the back. Rubbing his mothers back on the way home, Mary Margaret stayed quiet. Henry couldn't tell if she was angry or thinking, so he just kept his mouth shut.

"She saved me, didn't she? I saw..." Emma's voice soft and relaxed. "I saw Regina in the street making magic and fixing everything." Mary Margaret shot a look to her grandson that said _Don't talk about Regina. _He nodded and no one replied to Emma's question, quiet the entire ride home.

* * *

**Did you save me?**

Emma texted Regina at around midnight, Regina was always awake at midnight. Glass removed from her forehead and recovering from a major lecture from her parents, Emma was eager to receive a reply.

**_Message Seen: 12:11 PM. _**

Emma almost jumped out of her pants, her mouth curled awaiting a response. After about 20 minutes of forcing herself awake, Emma's phone finally beeped.

**Goodnight, Ms. Swan. **

She put her hands behind her head, the room dark and the house quiet. Everyone sleeping, Emma nodded her head and whispered in her tired mind, _Goodnight, Madam Mayor._


End file.
